First Post!

This morning I walked away. I saw it laying there on the floor, and I looked at it, and I walked away. I took the dog out, so I don't really understand why he couldn't just go when he had the opportunity, and instead leaving me with something else to clean up. I couldn't face it, so I turned my back on it, secretly hoping maybe my daughter would get up, see it, and have to clean it up. LAZY! I berated myself in my head. Ugh. 

I couldn't help but think of the symbolism in this pile of dog poop in my hallway. I have 3/4 of a Master's degree. I have so much experience in different areas, my resume boasts. I have applied to at least 15 jobs in the month having to do with social services and I have been on a few interviews, and passed on the ones that I felt wouldn't get me anywhere in my new field of Addictions counseling. Yet I cannot seem to understand when everyone else thinks my combination of education and experience is so great, I cannot find a job. 

So while I have scrolled through Careerbuilder and Indeed looking for jobs, I have given it a lot of consideration before applying, asking myself is the job really what I want to be doing? I can picture myself in the various roles, and the image looks a lot like that lonely pile of poop. People have told me that I should write. I never gave it much thought. I have heard from my husband that I should compile a book of short stories based on my nightmares, because they rival anything Stephen King has ever come up with. I kicked that idea around, and decided against it. 

I have the best ideas in that sleep/wake state when my animals tell me to get up and feed them, but my body wishes the dog and the cats could get their own breakfast. I have had thoughts about a vlog, like my kids watch on YouTube, but decided against that...too weird. So I thought about a regular old blog for awhile, and here we are. 

A friend of mine posted something on her Facebook page this morning, and a piece of it has been sticking in my mind.."I know my worth." I guess that's why I applied to jobs I didn't really want, because I wasn't thinking about my worth. I used to believe that social services was my punishment for my past sins because it required me to give so much to other people. I had a really good therapist that told me that I could help others without being in social services, and I didn't have to drain my energy and time, mostly giving it to people who really don't want to change. Don't get me wrong, some of those people I really enjoyed working with. But I have got to know my worth. I know that I am not worth $11.75 an hour in a job that is a continuous hamster wheel. Maybe it's not "I know my worth" but I have got to believe in my worth. 

Today I looked for some jobs, didn't apply to any because I know that I would not feel my worth in any of them. Today, I can feel my worth by picking up the pile of dog poop, cleaning up my son's Legos, helping my oldest daughter through a recent car accident over the phone, and passing along tips on how to "adult." I can finish the pile of laundry, and cook dinner. I can also do what I probably have wanted to do for a long time, sit down and write...and here we are.