S*it or Get Off the Pot

Well, now it's time to keep up with the blog. I have two blogs now. I started something this week that was something I wanted, but also something I'm nervous about. I wanted to take that step and start my own business, but I felt like something was holding me back. Some of you who know I quit my job as a residential drug counselor in June. I was immediately offered a job doing e-therapy about three days later from another company. I was ecstatic! I wasn't going to need to start my own business because everything I wanted was going to be right here. I could work at home, I could work in my pajamas, it was going to be great and I couldn't believe my luck!

So...some of you know the details on that, but for those of you who don't, let me fill you in. The guy was psyched to hire me. He acted super excited. He kept promising to send the paperwork to get me started but days would go by with me obsessively checking my email, only to find nothing. I'd send him a text, "Hey, psst...over here. Did you forget something?" A week later, "Psst...hey. Don't forget me!" and he'd promise to send it. So he calls me one day promising to send it, a month later.

I finally get it after several reminders to him. I mean, far be it for me to point out that had he had the paperwork on his computer, this mess could have been avoided in two clicks with an email....But I was determined to be ecstatic, it was my dream job, right? Now it's been 8 days and I've heard nothing. Not a peep after sending back the paperwork. I often would think to myself, why do I have to wait on someone else? I'm desperate here! Why do I need to be desperate? I'm smart, I have a Master's degree, why am I waiting at the mercy of someone else? Well...I figured that one out pretty quick. I find I operate best inside rules and regulations, although I despise them. My last job decided to take our two 15-minute breaks away and I have to say, I was not comfortable with that rule at all. I was done with other people's rules.

I went back and forth. Positive to negative. Just do it or just don't do it. I took a brief course in life coaching and realized it's what I was doing everyday and they weren't teaching me anything I didn't already know and that I already wasn't doing with my clients. I noticed that I began to sleep, eat, and breathe my potential business. I Googled things like, "How to know if I should start my own business." I prayed. But without all my comfortable rules and regulations, I felt like a piece of algae being swept along by the river with no tether to the shore.

Thursday was my depressed day. I have to allow myself a couple days to be antisocial and sit under a blanket on the couch doing nothing. I don't know if it's a holdover from my mental illness days, but I still do it on occasion. I didn't shower, I sat on the couch in my p.j.'s under a blanket. I took naps, and didn't answer anyone's texts. I was convincing myself I couldn't do it. I'm not good enough. I'm comfortable where I'm at. Blah blah blah.

Friday I rolled out of bed, showered, and got dressed. I began to make a website. I felt great, and I knew I had to do it or stop talking about it. These were skills I already had. I had to take it and run with it, or continue to let others decide my fate by waiting for employers to get back to me.

I worked on the website a little more today, it looks pretty good. Worked on the Facebook page. Wrote three blog entries, and now here's number 4 for my other readers.

I'm doing it!


If you feel so inclined, you can check out my new baby project and book appointments. I also am doing free 15-minute consultations to see how I can help you work through any issues that are holding you back, and you do not have to live in the same state since I will do over the phone, email, or text. I do not provide therapy or diagnosis.

http://kmassey09.wixsite.com/website

I Can't Even

I'm not sure if I'm the world's worst parent or my kid is a genius.  I'm pretty sure I'm not the world's worst parent, but today, my mind was blown on a nuclear scale.

It starts with all that parenting advice telling you to reward your child. Well, I can't say that's never backfired before. Take for example my now 16-year-old daughter. When she was 2 and potty training, I thought it was genius advice to put a jar of candy on the back of the toilet so when she went to the bathroom, she could have an M&M. Leave a 2-year-old in the bathroom for 5 seconds with M&Ms, guess what, she's rewarding herself with the whole jar.
My now 21-year-old daughter was a negotiator. "Mom, I'd like 5 cookies please." Nope. 5 Oreos, I guess if I want a cracked out 3-year-old terror in the middle of Walmart that would be ok. So I offer 2. She haggles for 4. I say 2 or none, she says "Ok, 3." And she gets 3. Because I was a mom, in Walmart with a child whose ADHD had gotten us kicked out of Walmart when she decided to fly out of a shopping cart into a rack full of shirts like she was just launched from a catapult.

My son, he's 10 and he has Asperger's Syndrome so getting him to do anything has never been easy. But I remembered from all the parenting advice, rewards. Kids love rewards. When he was potty training, I'd read about using a treasure chest full of dollar store items for rewards. Yeah! I had this thing nailed. No more stupid M&Ms! I'm nailing this mom thing! I found if I wanted him to do anything, at that time he'd do it for a Matchbox car. Fast forward 4 years and he'd do anything for Legos. I think at that time I only had a job to pay for Legos. That escalated quickly.

Fast forward again to age 10. We've been trying to get him to be more responsible, clean his room, brush his teeth, shower. With Aspies, hygiene does not rank high on the scale of priorities. I bargained with him that if he'd just commit to 2 showers a week, I'd buy him a Roblox card if he followed through. So today I'm in Target with the kids, and I casually mention to my son, "Hey, I think it's time for a haircut."

The following conversation happened:

"No Mom, I'm not ready yet." (Here's me thinking due to his AS, he needs to be more mentally prepared)

"Ok, so when? In like a week? Two weeks?"

"Yeah, two weeks."

"Are you sure because it's overgrown and I'm sure you'd feel much cooler on your head. We can see if Helen is working."

"No Mom. Haircuts are valuable."

"Huh? What? I don't even know what that means."

"They're valuable."

BAM!!! The lightbulb moment....

"Oh my gosh!! Are you telling me that they're valuable so you can negotiate for STUFF????"

"Duh. Baths, brushing my teeth, showers, haircuts...they're all valuable"

(At this point I think I'm in shock.... my daughters are looking at me like I grew a second head.)

"Ok Mom, I'll get a haircut today. I figured out what I want."

I started to think about the level of genius involved in all this scheming. I don't think the so called "experts" saw this s*it coming.

Suck it Dr. Spock.

The Experiment

So some of you may know that I was doing an experiment...on myself. I intended to make a blog post each day for it, but you know, life.

So I had read this book called "The Fear Cure" by Dr. Lissa Rankin where she talked about how fear and anxiety are really bad for your internal organs and immune system. This book made a lot of sense and I was hell bent on fixing my anxiety once and for all. Soooo about this experiment. I decided since I was going to fix myself, the first step was getting off my medication. I figured it wasn't helping anyway because hey, I was still anxious sometimes and I didn't feel super fantastic anyway on it. Day 1 was good. I felt great, on top of the world like I was going to take over the world! Day 2: Still great! No problems at all. Felt great, wasn't tired. I had so much energy. Day 3: Same. Great. This curing my stupid anxiety was really working! Day 4: I'm great! Why hadn't I thought about this sooner? Day 5: I passed the day 4 mark where I typically would've had a panic attack without so much as some chest tightness or nausea. Still feeling great! Day 6: Heyyyyy I'm onto something here. I'm going to the gym. I'm gonna actually run. And I never run. Day 7: Holy crap!!! 7 days!!! But I feel a bit off. Nope, I feel great! Anxiety: "No you don't." Me: "Shut up. Yes I do. I'm gonna go for day 8!!"

So I'm at work. Around 10am I'm sitting at my desk and I start to feel hot. Then I feel cold. Then I feel sick. I want to throw up. So I go to my supervisor's office to try to just shoot the shit and get rid of that feeling. Then she says, "Hey! Maybe you're pregnant!" What??? No. I am 42 years old. That is not happening!! Plus I have a Mirena, and if that happened, well, I mean it is expired by a month but they couldn't find it at the doctor to change it and I have another appointment next month but that's a different story....I won't ruin your dinner.

So I feel cold and clammy and I think I need to throw up. I don't, but I feel terrible. I go for a smoke break with one of my good work friends and I feel ok, but I confess to her what I've been doing. Like I'm not Catholic anymore but I joked that I gave up my meds for lent. We decided I should go see our nurse at work. The diagnosis: withdrawal symptoms. Our fantastic nurse crushed me up 25mg of Zoloft. I don't take pills, my meds are liquid but that's also another story. I started feeling better within 15 minutes!

Anxiety : "I told you!!!" Me: "Shut up."

I wanted so desperately to be "normal." I know my Zoloft makes me normal. I wondered what was underneath the "normal" and if I could control it since I have more tools in my toolbox. I guess the answer is no. I had visions that I was probably some 8 legged purple rabid octopus underneath. I don't know if I would've wanted to deal with that, but my curious nature at least wanted me to check it out.

What did I learn here? A) Not to give up meds for Lent, Christmas, New Year's, etc. B) Anxiety and panic are stupid. C) I can't control everything. D) What was I thinking???

 E) Octopi don't have legs.