So like I said, I usually have fantastic ideas at around 5 in the morning. This morning was no different. I had the two cats and the dog on the bed and I was thinking about whether to get up and pee or just hold it, so as not to run the risk of moving the animals and making them think it was time to get up and party.
Usually I will write something about whatever is weighing on me or the thought that feels the loudest. I had this thought, then I went about my morning routine and sat down to play my Cookie Cats and Pets Unleashed afterward. But my brain was nagging at me. "Get up and write this!!" I tried to ignore it. "Hey!! Hey you!!! You better write this. It's been like two days since you did anything. DO IT!!!"
So here I am.
My husband just got back from being away from home for two weeks for an army exercise. When he leaves, I'm saying to myself, "I get to hog the bed, hog the remote, I can feed the kids sandwiches for dinner, and I don't have to pick up someone else's laundry!" I realized over the last couple weeks that he was gone, that excitement only goes so far. I could see the signs of depression creeping in even thought I take an SSRI.
Day 1: Welp, he's gone. I think I'll clean up.
Day 2: He's still gone. Guess maybe I'll do the dishes. Later. When I get around to it.
Day 3-5: Guess I better shower. Dishes? Don't care. Laundry? Don't care. I'm just gonna sit here and do nothing. Maybe I'll take a nap from my hard day of doing nothing.
Day 6-8: Guess I should at least take the kids swimming or something.
Day 9-11: Meh.
Day 12: I'm gonna start cleaning today!! He'll be home in two days! I gotta start looking like I did something! I think I'll take a nap first though.
Day 13: Ok I promise I'll clean today. I don't wanna have to do all of it tomorrow. I'm motivated! I'll be more motivated after I nap. (Smells armpits) ok I'll shower after I nap.
Day 14: Today is the day!!! House only took 10 minutes to clean, I'm showered and yay!! He's coming home today!
To be fair to myself, I did take the kids out of the house quite a bit, but for the most part, taking a nap is my way of coping with boredom and depression, because I convince myself that "I don't feel good." I don't feel any better after napping, but I guess it's a way to check out for a bit. I didn't have any friends here yet either, so it's not like I could have someone come over and hang out. Just meeeee and the kids. For two weeks. Straight.
So when he does come home, he's functioning at about 30%. One of the things that drives me crazy is people who are like, "Marriage is 50/50 so I dumped the kids on him because I've had them for two weeks." Or another one I've seen this week is "Marriage isn't 50/50, it's 100/100." More bullshit. Even when he comes home, I will still "have" the kids for at least another few days because he needs time to recover. And even though he came home, he still had to go out to more army exercise this weekend. I used to play that game, the one where one person is less functional than the other, and an argument ensues about "who has it harder" and one person ends up sleeping on the couch, completely ruining the homecoming.
I used to have this friend who I have had to use the "hide" feature on Facebook with because I was tired of seeing posts from her like, "This time it's gonna be all about me" and "I'm putting me first." Well, that's all well and good, but not at all practical. I get that sometimes you can feel like you put another's needs so far above yours that you're just done. But I feel like it's also a sign of poor boundaries. And hey, you know, you are free at any time to just say no.
We will be married 11 years this year. I was kind of afraid when he asked me to marry him because my previous marriages had only lasted three years. I mean ok so one was kind of gay and the other was just mean and there's no reason that they should've lasted longer unless I was really a glutton for punishment, but thankfully I had good sense. But I still worried that only three years was a statement to how I was as a wife. I will say he has put up with my crazy when all of my PTSD and anxiety blew up in my face two years ago. He helped me learn new techniques to combat my anxiety. He's taken me to the hospital to walk laps when my PTSD took over and I felt like I might die and I needed to be near the hospital "just in case." I knew it was irrational, but never once did he say, "This is stupid." Sure we've had our share of arguments in 11 years, but you know, I have grown as a person and learned. And asked myself, "how can I be better?" This is why 11 years. Even when he comes home and he can be only 20 or 30%, I want to serve. I want to be his 80%.
He is gone at work today, but since he came home, my motivation is back. I want to attack that pile of laundry, and I want to attack it with happiness!
So my friends, if you have a spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/significant other, I challenge you to do at least one thing today that will help make their day better. Put the "me first" aside and give something. Even if you only have 20% today, throw in 10.
Disclaimer: Not saying it's gonna turn out good for everyone because hey, if you have a bum significant other, well, then some other alternatives: help make your dog's day better by taking him or her for a walk or buying a treat, hold a door open for a little old lady, or give a stranger a compliment. If you feel good and you're growing and learning, you're doing it right!
No comments:
Post a Comment