Thigh Gap/My Cat is an A**hole

So today lucky readers, you get two posts in one!

So a little bit of background for those who are reading but don't know me, or for my friends who don't actually know me, I have a few labels such as Generalized Anxiety, Panic Disorder, OCD, and PTSD. However, it's the OCD that gives me these strange thoughts that I share. I only know one other person who has weird thoughts and is perfectly willing to share them, and I think that's probably what makes us best friends. My oldest daughter also shares her weird thoughts, but I'm not sure if that counts because I'm pretty sure she is the (un)lucky recipient of my genetics. 

So because of my OCD, I have these weird, random thoughts that used to cause me distress, but because of excellent therapy and Sertraline, I have come to adopt and love them like the orphans they are. One of the things I "must" do is before taking a shower, I have to weigh myself and check for signs of random drooping or aging. So as I'm staring at myself in the mirror, I noticed that if my butt was a little higher, I could have a thigh gap. I was always puzzled about this mysterious thigh gap when it was big a couple years ago; I even had kids in my middle school class wondering if they were lucky enough to have it. So I raised my butt a little higher taking in what my body would look like, and tried to simultaneously hold my butt up and liposuction my outer thighs with my hands...I only have two hands, it was hard...

My first thought was who thought thigh gap was good enough to go viral and deemed it sexy? Yuck. Who was ridiculous enough to tell all women they should have one? Ewww. I happily dropped my butt and my thighs and jumped into the shower thinking about pizza. 

I also contemplated how I was going to contort my stomach into the newest viral obsession, the ab crack. I'll let you know how that goes. 


Second story, my cat is an asshole. I kind of knew cats were assholes, but I was lucky enough to catch my cat in the act. The situation: 3:00am this morning. I feel my cat on the bed, I give him a little scratch and he licks my hand. He jumps over my snugly, cocooned body to my nightstand.  I look over, and see I have choices but they have to be made fast: Salt lamp, iPhone, glass of water, cat.  A) I can roll over and pretend I see nothing. B) I can turn off the lamp, set the phone on the floor, roll over and pretend I see nothing. C) I can unroll myself out of my cocoon and dump the water in the bathroom sink, which seems too responsible for 3am. So the cat is licking my salt lamp, giving me a couple seconds to decide how to handle this potentially dangerous situation, which I know will ultimately be my own fault if I do not choose the correct answer. Then he does it. He turns into an asshole and head butts the water glass. I look at him, he looks at me, he knows he has won this battle.


I slowly get out of bed and dump the water in the sink....


Cat: 1 Kristen: 0