I Can't Even

I'm not sure if I'm the world's worst parent or my kid is a genius.  I'm pretty sure I'm not the world's worst parent, but today, my mind was blown on a nuclear scale.

It starts with all that parenting advice telling you to reward your child. Well, I can't say that's never backfired before. Take for example my now 16-year-old daughter. When she was 2 and potty training, I thought it was genius advice to put a jar of candy on the back of the toilet so when she went to the bathroom, she could have an M&M. Leave a 2-year-old in the bathroom for 5 seconds with M&Ms, guess what, she's rewarding herself with the whole jar.
My now 21-year-old daughter was a negotiator. "Mom, I'd like 5 cookies please." Nope. 5 Oreos, I guess if I want a cracked out 3-year-old terror in the middle of Walmart that would be ok. So I offer 2. She haggles for 4. I say 2 or none, she says "Ok, 3." And she gets 3. Because I was a mom, in Walmart with a child whose ADHD had gotten us kicked out of Walmart when she decided to fly out of a shopping cart into a rack full of shirts like she was just launched from a catapult.

My son, he's 10 and he has Asperger's Syndrome so getting him to do anything has never been easy. But I remembered from all the parenting advice, rewards. Kids love rewards. When he was potty training, I'd read about using a treasure chest full of dollar store items for rewards. Yeah! I had this thing nailed. No more stupid M&Ms! I'm nailing this mom thing! I found if I wanted him to do anything, at that time he'd do it for a Matchbox car. Fast forward 4 years and he'd do anything for Legos. I think at that time I only had a job to pay for Legos. That escalated quickly.

Fast forward again to age 10. We've been trying to get him to be more responsible, clean his room, brush his teeth, shower. With Aspies, hygiene does not rank high on the scale of priorities. I bargained with him that if he'd just commit to 2 showers a week, I'd buy him a Roblox card if he followed through. So today I'm in Target with the kids, and I casually mention to my son, "Hey, I think it's time for a haircut."

The following conversation happened:

"No Mom, I'm not ready yet." (Here's me thinking due to his AS, he needs to be more mentally prepared)

"Ok, so when? In like a week? Two weeks?"

"Yeah, two weeks."

"Are you sure because it's overgrown and I'm sure you'd feel much cooler on your head. We can see if Helen is working."

"No Mom. Haircuts are valuable."

"Huh? What? I don't even know what that means."

"They're valuable."

BAM!!! The lightbulb moment....

"Oh my gosh!! Are you telling me that they're valuable so you can negotiate for STUFF????"

"Duh. Baths, brushing my teeth, showers, haircuts...they're all valuable"

(At this point I think I'm in shock.... my daughters are looking at me like I grew a second head.)

"Ok Mom, I'll get a haircut today. I figured out what I want."

I started to think about the level of genius involved in all this scheming. I don't think the so called "experts" saw this s*it coming.

Suck it Dr. Spock.

The Experiment

So some of you may know that I was doing an experiment...on myself. I intended to make a blog post each day for it, but you know, life.

So I had read this book called "The Fear Cure" by Dr. Lissa Rankin where she talked about how fear and anxiety are really bad for your internal organs and immune system. This book made a lot of sense and I was hell bent on fixing my anxiety once and for all. Soooo about this experiment. I decided since I was going to fix myself, the first step was getting off my medication. I figured it wasn't helping anyway because hey, I was still anxious sometimes and I didn't feel super fantastic anyway on it. Day 1 was good. I felt great, on top of the world like I was going to take over the world! Day 2: Still great! No problems at all. Felt great, wasn't tired. I had so much energy. Day 3: Same. Great. This curing my stupid anxiety was really working! Day 4: I'm great! Why hadn't I thought about this sooner? Day 5: I passed the day 4 mark where I typically would've had a panic attack without so much as some chest tightness or nausea. Still feeling great! Day 6: Heyyyyy I'm onto something here. I'm going to the gym. I'm gonna actually run. And I never run. Day 7: Holy crap!!! 7 days!!! But I feel a bit off. Nope, I feel great! Anxiety: "No you don't." Me: "Shut up. Yes I do. I'm gonna go for day 8!!"

So I'm at work. Around 10am I'm sitting at my desk and I start to feel hot. Then I feel cold. Then I feel sick. I want to throw up. So I go to my supervisor's office to try to just shoot the shit and get rid of that feeling. Then she says, "Hey! Maybe you're pregnant!" What??? No. I am 42 years old. That is not happening!! Plus I have a Mirena, and if that happened, well, I mean it is expired by a month but they couldn't find it at the doctor to change it and I have another appointment next month but that's a different story....I won't ruin your dinner.

So I feel cold and clammy and I think I need to throw up. I don't, but I feel terrible. I go for a smoke break with one of my good work friends and I feel ok, but I confess to her what I've been doing. Like I'm not Catholic anymore but I joked that I gave up my meds for lent. We decided I should go see our nurse at work. The diagnosis: withdrawal symptoms. Our fantastic nurse crushed me up 25mg of Zoloft. I don't take pills, my meds are liquid but that's also another story. I started feeling better within 15 minutes!

Anxiety : "I told you!!!" Me: "Shut up."

I wanted so desperately to be "normal." I know my Zoloft makes me normal. I wondered what was underneath the "normal" and if I could control it since I have more tools in my toolbox. I guess the answer is no. I had visions that I was probably some 8 legged purple rabid octopus underneath. I don't know if I would've wanted to deal with that, but my curious nature at least wanted me to check it out.

What did I learn here? A) Not to give up meds for Lent, Christmas, New Year's, etc. B) Anxiety and panic are stupid. C) I can't control everything. D) What was I thinking???

 E) Octopi don't have legs.

All I Want for Christmas is...Anxiety?

So I've been on medication for a little over a year now for just about every anxiety diagnosis in the DSM-V.  I'd been doing so well I thought I'd take it every other day to conserve until my doctor's appointment. Ok, taking it every other day wasn't so bad, I was still feeling pretty good. Then...I forgot to take it the next day. Still ok. Then today, THREE days without it. I mean, I was doing great! After all, I'd been thinking about coming off if it, I didn't want to be dependent on it.

So my husband and I went Christmas shopping today. Went to T-Mobile and they had the Fitbit Charge on sale! I'd been wanting to upgrade my Flex so my husband bought me a nice purple one. I couldn't wait to try it out. So around 4:00 I start feeling a little weird. I thought it was some extra caffeine. So we get home, I charge my Fitbit and I'm still feeling off. Finally it's done charging and I get to put it on and this one is cool because it has the heart rate monitor. Boy was I wrong.
Two hours later I'm obsessively checking my heart rate and then checking out Web MD for a normal heart rate. Then I'm asking all my family members to test theirs. I laid on the couch trying to lower my heart rate from 85. All I'm thinking about is my heart, and enlarged hearts, I swear I can feel my pulse screaming through my body and then I'm thinking, "Yeah, way to go three days off your meds!"  I'm starting to feel the good old crazy setting in and my anxiety is through the roof. I'm pretty sure I looked all calm and collected on the outside but my hypochondria was tapping me on the shoulder whispering, "Hey...guess what? I think you're starting to feel a little sick."

Worst Christmas present ever! Anxiety and panic all wrapped up in a sweet purple wristband.

I asked my husband if he wanted to trade and give me back my Flex. He suggested I take my medicine.

I should've asked for a purse instead.

Turning Over a New Leaf

So I gotta go to work soon, but I wanted to share something.

Change. Things we might not notice at first, but then one day we do.

For those readers who know me, you know I've struggled with several acronyms for anxiety, I think maybe every single one there is in the DSM V.  I've had this long standing habit of feeling like I need to explain to people why I do things, why I did things, why I say things and I'd been thinking, how do I stop?  I realize that I don't owe people explanations, and certainly not about any mental illness, but the explanations would just come out, I couldn't stop them. I'd say something and then feel the need to give the back story and let people know that I might be high strung because anxiety, I had to let people know about the tragic battles fought and the train wreck that was my life with mental illness.

But I wanted to stop.

After two years of treatment with a great therapist and a low dose of sertraline, I don't even feel like that person anymore. I don't know who that person is. I feel like when I talk about that person I'm describing someone else.

So I had a lightbulb moment last night. I was talking to someone at work and it was getting kind of personal. I was showing her pictures of my family, talking about our summer, and this is normally where I might've inserted, "Well, I was diagnosed with......(insert acronyms here)" and you know what? I didn't. I didn't feel the need. When I got in my car to leave work, I realized I hadn't once uttered a word about THAT person. Mind blown. I cried mild tears of joy that I had finally overcome something that was such a road block for me in my healing. I realized I guess that if I'm going to keep talking about it, then I'm going to keep "being" that person.

I'm hoping to continue now to be more aware and that people can know me without knowing everything. I believe last night was the turning point to when I stopped defining myself by those acronyms.

There's a person in here. And the acronyms are not part of that person anymore.

Shine on friends. Be YOU! You are worthy of all the love!

Is Trust a Priority?

Alright, so I haven't posted in a bit. That new job and all but I realized I needed to keep up with the blog because to my surprise, it does get quite a bit of traffic. So thank you, people for reading! So in case any readers don't know about the new job, I finally get to be a Substance Abuse Counselor. So far, I really like it.

So I usually try to write about thoughts that are sticking in my mind. This week I've been thinking a lot about trust. Most people I've discovered, think about trust in a broad sort of way like faithfulness to your spouse or children trusting parents not to harm them. I've also discovered that people wonder why their relationships break down and that a whole bunch of small broken bonds of trust can snowball into something bigger. When you promise your significant other you'll get the dishes done and you end up watching Netflix for 3 hours and then you go to bed, your SO will probably be mildly annoyed, but you will probably get another chance. You tell your kid that you'll play Minecraft with him after dinner, but damn you're almost done with the season finale so you brush it off. You tell your wife, "I love you so much I'm gonna give you a foot rub later" and then you go watch some season 2 and then it's time for bed. She doesn't say anything, she just goes to bed wondering why she's not a priority. Your kid goes to bed wondering why you don't want to spend time, and that maybe you even hate him.

So the next couple times you tell your kid, "I'll play with you after dinner" and he or she says, "No, that's ok" or you tell your SO, "I'll get the trash out after dinner" and he or she just stares at you and shrugs, you should probably rethink your priorities. If you say you will do something, make it a priority and follow through. If you think that these "small" things don't matter, don't be surprised when your kid says he hates you and your SO no longer cares to spend any time with you.

I've also discovered I'm a bad friend.

My best friend said, "You're an awesome friend to me and a bad friend to her." Well, my best friend has never broken any trust, not even mildly. She's honest and that's one of the reasons I love her. This other friend, we had somewhat of a falling out years ago and it's just never been the same. I can't quite get back into a place of trying to be a good friend. I'm not quite sure if the relationship doesn't mean that much, but if I had to hazard a guess, I'd say yeah, that's probably spot on. The trust was just too broken and it never really came back.

So my friends, today, keep your promises. Be a person that your family and friends can count on because they know you'll follow through. If you say you'll do the dishes, do it. If you say you'll play Barbie or Legos with your kid, do it. If you know you're gonna be tied up on Netflix until bedtime, be honest, we'd rather know you have no intention of spending time together than looking forward to it and having our heart stomped on at 10pm when you're too tired. Think about what your relationship means with your friend before you tell that lie, think about the hailstorm of damage you will rain down on your child after too many "forgotten" play dates.

You only get so many chances before you stop being someone's priority.


“Whatever joy there is in this world
All comes from desiring others to be happy,
And whatever suffering there is in this world
All comes from desiring myself to be happy.”



 Rinpoche, Sogyal. “The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying.” HarperCollins. iBooks.

Educate Yourself: Don't be an A-Hole

Ah, the internet....

Yesterday I was casually scrolling Facebook reading various articles that people post and reading some that just had catchy headlines that I might want to read about. I was having my coffee and smoking my cigarette, like I do every morning. An article caught my eye about white girls wearing cornrows and the term "cultural appropriation" also popped up in this article. Naturally I read the comments because, hey, sometimes they're good for a laugh, sometimes people have good perspective, and generally I just want to know what other people think. 

I found that what other people think is also very, very ugly. My mood had noticeably shifted from "hey! it's gonna be a great day!" to "blah. I think I'll take a nap" after reading some of the comments on this article. Among them were, "So? Who cares it's just hair!" to "Well we live in America of course we like things from other cultures" to general history lessons about corn rows, which then became misunderstood and turned into "braids" and how anyone can wear cornrows because hey, Native American wear braids. Then things like, ""I have to wear my hair in two braids everyday because my hair is frizzy." Which is NOT at ALL the same as cornrows. I took notice of how others' opinions made me feel. I debated getting off of Facebook for awhile several times because of the negativity. Discussions about culture, politics, abortion, gay marriage, guns, and other world issues used to be fodder for discussion around the dinner table at large meals such as Thanksgiving with family and friends. But now thanks to social media, I can know damn near everyone's opinion on these subjects, and I fight the urge to tell people "you're an idiot" on a daily basis. But hey, everyone gets their own opinion, right? 

So we've got Black Lives Matter, Blue Lives Matter, All Lives Matter, and as of yesterday with the confederate flag, gun-toting weenies in front of the NAACP trying to make "White Lives Matter" a thing. This really tanked my mood. Racism is ugly, people. You can come from whichever side you choose and post pictures that various news sites dig up saying, "Well but he was a thug" or "He was a bad cop" and put whatever spin on it that suits your views. But you know what? You might not agree with someones LIFESTYLE choices, but someone loved them. We've all seen the recent pictures of Sylville Smith in Milwaukee holding various guns on his social media pages, but that is a LIFESTYLE, not a CULTURE. A lot of people have this confused. Might want to read up on the difference. I certainly don't want to be lumped in with Jeffrey Dahmer because he was a white, cannibal serial killer. 

But you know, I read the article. I read the cultural appropriation article. I read the "(insert life) Matters" articles because I need to educate myself. I tend to whittle down my friends list when I see that some of my "friends" refuse to educate themselves on issues. I could care less who you vote for and I'll never be educated enough to have a political discussion, but when it comes to humanity, I care about your character and your compassion, and generally what kind of human you are to a waitress, a Walmart worker, an elderly person, a child, people of different colors, people of different cultures, people of different genders...I care about how you treat them. There is nothing that will make me unfriend you quicker than when you show me you're an insensitive a**hole.  Usually social media is the place that you find out that people you know are not who you thought they were, and one can lose respect for others with one insult laden comment on a discussion thread. Or forwarding chain mails, scams, hoaxes....do your research, people. No one is giving you free money, a free Xbox One, or a year's supply of chili dogs. 

I find myself at a turning point at 41. I moved back to Iowa and I want to learn about football and become a Hawkeye fan. I find myself wanting to know about issues. Not for discussion purposes, but because I want to be a better person. If there is a culture, gender, or race that is hurting, I want to know why and how I can help. I'm working on reading about the Bible because I just learned that contrary to my religious upbringing, some of it is true, and some of it might be actual stories. Shocker, right?  But I want to know these things. 

I never really thought of myself as an opinionated person, mainly because I don't have opinions on things like politics, abortions, gun control, gay marriage...my "opinion" is to each his own. I always felt like if I had an opinion on those things, really, how would that help anybody? And who really needs to hear it even if I did have opinions on these things? I'm not that special. That's not to say I don't have opinions because in my opinion, Bit-O-Honey, Whoppers, and caramels are the worst Halloween candy ever. I'm going to keep drinking Diet Coke no matter how many health nuts tell me "ohhhh but the aspartame." One Direction sucks. Winter sucks. Android sucks. Apple rocks! These seemingly inconsequential things matter. These opinions matter. If someone accidentally gives me a bag of Whoppers, that directly affects me. 

Your actions and words directly affect others.  Your social media posts affect others. Educate yourself. Learn. Grow.  Don't be an a**hole. 

What Can I Do for You Today?

So like I said, I usually have fantastic ideas at around 5 in the morning. This morning was no different. I had the two cats and the dog on the bed and I was thinking about whether to get up and pee or just hold it, so as not to run the risk of moving the animals and making them think it was time to get up and party. 

Usually I will write something about whatever is weighing on me or the thought that feels the loudest. I had this thought, then I went about my morning routine and sat down to play my Cookie Cats and Pets Unleashed afterward.  But my brain was nagging at me. "Get up and write this!!" I tried to ignore it. "Hey!! Hey you!!! You better write this. It's been like two days since you did anything. DO IT!!!" 

So here I am. 

My husband just got back from being away from home for two weeks for an army exercise. When he leaves, I'm saying to myself, "I get to hog the bed, hog the remote, I can feed the kids sandwiches for dinner, and I don't have to pick up someone else's laundry!" I realized over the last couple weeks that he was gone, that excitement only goes so far. I could see the signs of depression creeping in even thought I take an SSRI. 

Day 1: Welp, he's gone. I think I'll clean up. 

Day 2: He's still gone. Guess maybe I'll do the dishes. Later. When I get around to it.

Day 3-5: Guess I better shower. Dishes? Don't care. Laundry? Don't care. I'm just gonna sit here and do nothing. Maybe I'll take a nap from my hard day of doing nothing.

Day 6-8:  Guess I should at least take the kids swimming or something.

Day 9-11: Meh.

Day 12: I'm gonna start cleaning today!! He'll be home in two days! I gotta start looking like I did something! I think I'll take a nap first though.

Day 13: Ok I promise I'll clean today. I don't wanna have to do all of it tomorrow. I'm motivated! I'll be more motivated after I nap. (Smells armpits) ok I'll shower after I nap. 

Day 14: Today is the day!!! House only took 10 minutes to clean, I'm showered and yay!! He's coming home today! 

To be fair to myself, I did take the kids out of the house quite a bit, but for the most part, taking a nap is my way of coping with boredom and depression, because I convince myself that "I don't feel good." I don't feel any better after napping, but I guess it's a way to check out for a bit. I didn't have any friends here yet either, so it's not like I could have someone come over and hang out. Just meeeee and the kids. For two weeks. Straight. 

So when he does come home, he's functioning at about 30%. One of the things that drives me crazy is people who are like, "Marriage is 50/50 so I dumped the kids on him because I've had them for two weeks." Or another one I've seen this week is "Marriage isn't 50/50, it's 100/100." More bullshit. Even when he comes home, I will still "have" the kids for at least another few days because he needs time to recover. And even though he came home, he still had to go out to more army exercise this weekend. I used to play that game, the one where one person is less functional than the other, and an argument ensues about "who has it harder" and one person ends up sleeping on the couch, completely ruining the homecoming. 

I used to have this friend who I have had to use the "hide" feature on Facebook with because I was tired of seeing posts from her like, "This time it's gonna be all about me" and "I'm putting me first." Well, that's all well and good, but not at all practical. I get that sometimes you can feel like you put another's needs so far above yours that you're just done. But I feel like it's also a sign of poor boundaries. And hey, you know, you are free at any time to just say no. 

We will be married 11 years this year. I was kind of afraid when he asked me to marry him because my previous marriages had only lasted three years. I mean ok so one was kind of gay and the other was just mean and there's no reason that they should've lasted longer unless I was really a glutton for punishment, but thankfully I had good sense. But I still worried that only three years was a statement to how I was as a wife. I will say he has put up with my crazy when all of my PTSD and anxiety blew up in my face two years ago. He helped me learn new techniques to combat my anxiety. He's taken me to the hospital to walk laps when my PTSD took over and I felt like I might die and I needed to be near the hospital "just in case." I knew it was irrational, but never once did he say, "This is stupid." Sure we've had our share of arguments in 11 years, but you know, I have grown as a person and learned. And asked myself, "how can I be better?" This is why 11 years. Even when he comes home and he can be only 20 or 30%, I want to serve. I want to be his 80%. 

He is gone at work today, but since he came home, my motivation is back. I want to attack that pile of laundry, and I want to attack it with happiness! 

So my friends, if you have a spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/significant other, I challenge you to do at least one thing today that will help make their day better. Put the "me first" aside and give something. Even if you only have 20% today, throw in 10. 

Disclaimer: Not saying it's gonna turn out good for everyone because hey, if you have a bum significant other, well, then some other alternatives: help make your dog's day better by taking him or her for a walk or buying a treat, hold a door open for a little old lady, or give a stranger a compliment. If you feel good and you're growing and learning, you're doing it right!